Day 10 of detox and who knows how many more to go....I've taken anti-depressants for about 3ish years. It doesn't matter what the dosage is, the longer you've been taking medications the harder it is to take your body off of them. I went the crazy person route and decided to go off cold turkey. Not the smartest thing but here we go.
This book set the ground work for my detox. James Gordon shares my belief that medications should be the last resort when treating patients experiencing depression and anxiety. I told my doctor that if I started medications, it had to be a short term thing for me. I was nervous about becoming too dependent on medications. I was right. Going one day without my medications would send me into a downward spiral of depression and scary thoughts. This was terrifying for me. These pills determined if my head was in a safe space or not. One day without them sent me down a scary path that I didn't have control over. When I talked to my doctor, he suggesting just switching to another pill that worked over a longer period of time. Every time that I suggested easing off the pills, he pointed out that I was just starting school, getting married, about to buy a home, starting my career, or it was about to be winter so "we should wait until a better time". After two years of this, I'm officially taking detox into my own hands. The cold turkey way!!
Coming off of the pills has been an uphill climb in 10 feet of snow enduring 100 degree temperatures with a raging sand storm, but not in the way that I had thought it would. My pre detox prediction was that my emotions would be all over the place, suicidal thoughts would invade my brain, and I would completely lose all sense of hope or belonging. None of this has happened. I have been lucky enough to still have my emotional in check thanks to "Unstuck".
Parker and I have started doing yoga together, we exercise even on days that we don't want to, I got a new job that sparks a lot less anxiety, and journaling has become part of my morning routine. Reading "Unstuck" prepared me with ideas and tools to handle the emotional drama of anti-depressant withdrawal. It's the physical symptoms that have taken over without any warning. On day 3 of detox, a huge migraine decided it wanted to be my first symptom. Usually it sits at about a 6 on the pain scale. When I wake up, it's usually an 8. Throughout the day it will jump up and ease down. By 3:00 it's usually at it's peak of an 8 or 9. There is no amount of Tylenol, Ibuprofen, Motrin, or Advil that will come close to calming down this beast.
The two saving graces that I have found are 1. Needling- Holy smokes. My brother-in-law sticks a couple of needles at the base of my skull and plugs me into electricity for 15 minutes. This gets me feeling great....for a few hours until a rebound migraine comes in. 2. Past Tense essential oil. Parker say's it's witchcraft but it truly is the only thing that I can do on my own that helps. Too bad I can't have smelly things on my skin when I'm at work - too much risk of a patient reacting to it.
Camping is honestly not my most favorite thing. To me, it's just inconvenient sleeping. We made an exception this weekend and went camping with a group of friends and strangers. Glacier National Park exceeded out expectations! It has got to be one of the most beautiful places I have ever been. I'll let the pictures do the talking....
I used to think, three shifts a week was nothing. That's 4 days to relax and do whatever I want!!! No No No! It's 2 days of mental, physical, and emotional recovery (and get my chores done), 1 day of feeling guilty so going into work to help the short staff ratios, and FINALLY, 1 day to relax and do whatever I want. The last day usually means I'm in the mountains without cell service.
I'm learned how to say no to those extra shifts and set boundaries for myself. I need days of biking in the mountains with Cooper. That is where I finally get to recharge my batteries. Last week, I was dumb enough to accept an extra part time job. In my head, I was thinking, "Yeah Carly! Every other weekend of working Hospice doesn't sound too bad....You can do that!" The second I got my training schedule I panicked. They filled in every day that I wasn't working with training. 90% of the training was learneing how to chart for outpatient. Did you know, hospice nurses spend about 3 hours at each appointment and 3 hours charting afterword. HOLY HANNAH I DIDN'T! Not to mention that hundred of messages you get on a daily basis updating you on each Hospice patient's needs.
Parker and Dr. Ellis gave me a few pep talks and I finally made the phone call to quit after one week of training. I felt so guilty but there's no way I could work more that 3 days a week. I'm learned how to set boundaries and prioritize my time. Those precious days with just me exploring with Cooper are my life savers.
Nurses work hard. Be nice to us. We are doing our best. We might just work three days a week, but those three days are 13 hours of running around with our hair on fire making sure that each patient (I usually have 5 at a time) are safe, comfortable, and feel heard. That's a lot to put on our shoulders.
Today is my recovery day. I've already gotten the text asking for more hands on deck at work. I'm leaving my phone and home and taking Cooper on an adventure. Learning how to breathe and recharge is so important.
My laundry pile is a mile high, dishes haven't been touched, my vacuum is waiting to be plugged in.....but I'll be in the mountains.
Ready. Set. Recharge!
My favorite way of celebrating just about anything is either, having people over for a game night or going on a quick adventure. I'm usually terrible at planning adventures. After two attempts of planning this weekend adventure and almost killing the group (I forgot the Uinta's still have snow and didn't realize Buckskin Gulch would have been 50 miles), Parker took over and planned a trip to Coyote Gulch. It's a super easy and very gorgeous backpacking spot in Southern Utah. Our group of 8 stuffed ourselves into my mom's car and hit the road. It was the perfect way to celebrate NCLEX studying being over, Parker's new job, and my birthday all at once.
The night before our adventure, Parker and I had a huge talk about how grateful we are for everything we have. We are both healthy with good jobs, we are home owners, dog owners to the best pup, and completely in love with the life we are building together. I couldn't be happier.
Not passing the past two times has taught me a lot. It's taught me humility. Most importantly, it's taught me that it's ok to fall as long as you are strong enough to get back up and try again. I've learned I have an army behind me. My husband - holy smokes that guy has my back. Parents and in laws that are so good at showing up no matter what. Siblings that care so much about me. My cohort from nursing school - most of them passed the first time but are still so nonjudgemental and so kind in letting me know that they believe in me. Then my new work family. The team of nurses and CNA's on T8 is seriously incredible. Every single person on T8 has told me they know I can do it and they have already seen that I'm a good nurse. All of those people put together is quit the army. I am so lucky.
Most of my challenges in life have reminded me the importance of leaning on others. I'm not so good at that. I'm ready for the day when I don't have to keep learned that over and over again. I take my test at 2:30 today. I've been fasting and praying for that passing result. I've worked hard. Now it's time to get this thing done. Passing the NCLEX is a big deal. It's a weight that I can't wait to get off of my shoulders. I've got so many people believing in me. Time to believe in myself.
Parker and I love being active. It's handy to have a husband that loves photography because it means I get cool photos of some of our hobbies. We are looking for mountain biking buddies, pickle ball challengers, and people to join us on our hike and flies. Who's in?
One of the biggest blessing of my job, thus far, has been getting to be part of my grandpa's hospital stay. He passed away on March 3, 2021. I've honestly never felt closer to my grandpa. He was sassy all the way to the end. Because of COVID-19, Grandpa had limited visitors. I feel so lucky to have been able to FaceTime each of my siblings as they said goodbye to Grandpa. Each one had a memory that was close to their hearts or a life lesson that he had taught them. I think the biggest lesson he has taught me, I learned after he died. I've learned how much one person can affect so many.
Grandpa has been closer to me than ever. He's helped me complete over 200 names of his genealogy since he passed away. I've never been so lucky so find even half those names. When he died, I started having dreams of names and people that I needed to locate. It's be really interesting to be part of my Grandpa's genealogy. I hope he knows how much he is loved and missed.
